Dailey Dyke Life

July 25th, 2009

07:32 pm - Silent No more
*sigh*
So the crazy MIL came to my room and said "Leah come here quick!!" Now mind you I have had Gallbladder surgery and am supposed to be recovering. But she says "Chelli left with the Momma mare and Doodle (yes the babies name is Doodle) is hitting the fence, I am scared for him." I go out, soothed the baby. Chelli comes back and says she had wanted the baby to learn about the mare coming and going as a precursor to weaning.. I go back inside. And the FUCKING MIL tells Chelli she DID NOT ask me to intervene, just to come see the baby run so beautifully. LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O my gawd. This Cow is living in MY house I am helping her with her respiratory stuff (when I can) and trying to be nice to her and this is the shit she pulls?!?!?!?!?! Are you fucking KIDDING me? THe GOOD news it that Chelli knows her mother is a big fat liar, but by gawds I want to back hand the bitch.. How fucking rude.. Oh wait I forgot the best part. AFTER Chelli comes in to tell me what her Mom said and that Chelli knows her Mom is a liar, her Mom comes to the door and say "Oh I am sorry, I did not want to get you in trouble" FreAking COW.

oK.. time to practice that Zen breathing thing again..

Fucking COW......
Current Mood:

angry
Current Music: Some kind of Monster by Metallica

September 15th, 2008

06:42 pm - Communication or lack there of
Yeah.. How Ironic it is that a few days ago, Chelli told me that I make it easy for people to talk about thier stuff and then today she says that it has been for a couple of years that she has felt like I talk to my on line friends instead of her. " You write books and books to them and you don't talk to me, and if I can do stuff and make stuff happen we can stay in the happy space"..

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Yeah.. How Ironic it is that a few days ago, Chelli told me that I make it easy for people to talk about thier stuff and then today she says that it has been for a couple of years that she has felt like I talk to my on line friends instead of her. " You write books and books to them and you don't talk to me, and if I can do stuff and make stuff happen we can stay in the happy space".. <ok, I paraphrased,> and that if we are happy like this then this is where we should stay. Wow.

You know what is REALLY funny? I mean side spitting, snort milk out your nose funny? I have been feeling more and more isolated, like I don't have any friends to talk to and that I am feeling more and more alone. GAWDS I love irony..

So she thinks that we are ok with this, and I feel like she just told me that our relationship is dead, and I neglected it. She likes it the way we are. She does not want to be in the place of fighting.. Silly me I did not think we were fighting. Processing, maybe, although I admit the one comment I had made was most likly snide, but not fighting. So we continue t not talk and then what? Who leaves first?

So I am hearing that she does not want to talk about it.. Does not wanna change, and I feel like I am lost.. JAcki is doing the long distance thang and Chelli sez we don't talk and I feel like I am stuck alone out in the desert.

And here I am talking to a computer, self fulfilling prediction. But she has more than enough on her mind with Drew's dad dying, Drew having difficulty in school, her work being precarious. She sure does not need me to try and process shit. But to me this means the end of a relationship

DAmn. Another relationship bites the dust.

I WOULD want to try and fix this, to try and talk about it, but...

She is happy where she is..

What the hell do I do now??

Current Mood:

tired

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August 19th, 2008

07:00 pm - poems once again
Travel Weary

It is dark and silver, this ribbon,
that snakes through my heart.
Insidious, insistant, burrowing.

Gone and not yet back she is.
And the ribbon tightens.
Not alone, but lonely.

Duty trumps the heart,
Obligation defeats desire.
No time for me, for us.

The ribbon burrows deeper,
my heart keening
reeling.

Yearning unresolved
hope leaving,
Ribbons trailing

Through my heart once again.
Current Mood:

lonely

August 10th, 2008

10:37 am - Trying to contact
If you read this, Shannon, I am getting rejected at all your email addresses as spam. Please know I have tried all 3 addresses that I have for you. If I was more sensitive I would feel SOOOOOOO rejected.. (not realy)

Let me know if I can help fix this..
Current Mood:

determined

June 28th, 2008

08:46 pm - Do you know what is really fun?
Being so depressed that coping is almost more than you can bear. So that the only thing you know how to do keep on keeping on. So that you can't even talk about it. That dealing with family or anyone else is actually physically painful. Trying to maintain at the new job is waaaaaaay to much fun, then add money troubles both your own and your sweeties and DAMN.. I just feel like I am sinking further and further. And as your are more and more and more depressed the guilt for all that is not being done or that you are neglecting, yadda yadda. Sheesh.. I haven't wanted to do much of anything.. And I am thinking my friend is right and it may be time for therapy again.. Usually I know WHY I am in trouble but I admit this one has me stumped.

Stupid psyche..

January 17th, 2008

10:09 pm - Work work work
Yup. Jacki is still unemployed. **Sigh** And now my hours at work are being cut back. I have applied to a temp agency so I maybe can pick a few days with them. But it is absolutely driving me looney. At this point I have no idea what the next day is that I work. I think there are some politics going on at work, but it is getting very stupid. What the hell IS it with health care facilities? Why is it so hard for them to act, uhm I dunno, professionaly?!?!??! Sheesh.

And Chelli is acting weird too. More, again.. Damn it. Poli-amory, it's not just for breakfast anymore... *sigh* Anyway.. Frustrating times.. Wheee.

And she won't go to therapy but she is really not very happy and nothing we seem to do is right, or helps. Tonight she just left and didn't mention to anyone where she was going.. It is just, rude really. A note, or a quick, " I gotta get outta here not sure what I am doing." She has said that she wants space to feel what she feels and be what she is, but then when she is GIVEN space, she doesn't like that either.. DAMN it .

Phooey.
Current Mood:

irritated
Current Music: Beautiful People, Marily Manson.

September 7th, 2007

06:16 pm - Stupid is as Stupid does
Have you ever wished your family would just fuck off and die? Not your Bio family, not the crazy mothers who raised you, but the ones that YOU chose. You know the ones that say they love you? Yeah.. Me too.

I had thought that being a medical transcriptionist would be a good thing, more school and therefore more debt, but still. I felt that maybe it was a way out of the insanity that is my job.. Jacki was worried and didn't talk to me, but came and got Chelli wh went and explained how I would be trapped in another dead end job with no pay and be very isolated, working at home.. And how I was crazy for getting deeper in debt. So after getting the loans and all of that, I canled everything, because I was just allowing myself to get into the same crap as before and really I needed to decide that it is "Just a Job". And I should be an executive assistant or some such. One where I do not care much aout it and it would be a 9 to 5 kinda thang.. Chelli said she would research a job that would pay enough and then I could find schooling or what ever.. Fucking ALWAYS "not healthcare, it is so limited and you are frustrated by it. GO into sales, or be a an executive assistant , it is just a job." And here I am in tears and frustrated cuz I can't just be a "job" and I want it to matter. And I want to pay my bill such as they are.. "But I am ot trying to tear you down. You don't give yourself enough credt." Oh yeah? I know Chelli HATES her job. I could not do a job I hate so much. She had to, she suddenly had Drew. I do not have Drew and hell, half the time I do not wish to have those that I do..

**I fucking hate this crap. I would leave, but where would I go? I do hate being lonely **Sigh** Everyone else went for a ride.. I ws sooo angry with them I didn't wanna go. Not the right mindset for riding.. I KNOW I am PMSing, but I am so angry I could spit.

I know she is right but there is no where else to go... I feel so freaking lost. I am tired of being wrong, and being trapped. I am always 'So much smarter than I give myself credit for", and yet never doing much of anything the right way or soon enough or whatever.. I believe that I have had enough.. No sure what to do.. Apparently withdraw for the moment. Suddenly the travel jobs look good

June 29th, 2007

01:14 pm - Cliches
You know the old saying that you can't make someone stay? Well you CAN, I think make them leave. Chelli is still in SF. I just get the feeling she doesn't miss us at all. I admit that I am too chicken to ask. What with that whole "GAWDS, you still whining? " Or even better: "Why do you not trust me?" WEll let's see. I do not trust you cuz you have seemed so unhappy at home. You haven't called home, except today to check on the horse food. Not to say hi, not to say you miss us, just.. to check the feed. Ok. And then mention that you will want to go camping on weekends. Really? In the summer? Ok. And do you want us to be there? Of course Jacki is going to feel like she can't leave the horses and that keeps her both trapped and abandoned. I work every other weekend. So.. hmm. What now? *sigh* But, on the other hand, I think it might be good for me to go camping. Break out of a rut. But would she want me there and how do we reconsile Jacki and her and her feelings/needs with the horses. *sigh*

Here is the fun stuff. When you are soo needy and whiny, you DO drive folk away. And I certainly do not want to make her want to leave. Hell, if she DOES leave, we would be screwed house wise.. We bought a bigger house since Chelli and Drew lives with us. But now.. If they leave, how do we afford it? And how do we NOT drive her away? And how do we shut up the freaking anxiety in my head. She seems to pull away and I am afraid to reach out.. Yeah, that's not a road block at all, right??

Damn it.

June 27th, 2007

11:27 am - Loser
I really thought I was gonna get the job at banner. But, no. So why?? Am I too dumb, maybe too ugly? Bad teeth and all. I wonder if I am just not employable, or that I'm stuck at Hearthstone. *sigh* I am tempted by this med transcription but, how well can I do? I hate feeling stuck.. I know it is pervasive. Chelli is in SF this month. She is having a great time but I am waiting for her to come home and announce that she is done with Jacki and I.. It is too hard. Too demanding, not as free or fun or clean.. Too many animals, too much work. I just. Wow I think it sucks that my sense of self worth is so freaking external.. I watch others walk around so damn SURE that they are the center of the universe and that they are not WRONG. What, their parents were kinder? Better? Or they were born that way... All I know is I feel like there is nothing really out there for me and that my possibilities or chances are so.. limited.

Of course Respiratory is a seasonal gig. Damn it. So freaking tired of being a loser.

Ok, enough whining..
Current Mood:

cynical

11:08 am - Yet another poem
Her lovely curves call to me.
Seduction's song.
Desire dark and strong.

The longing teases my skin.
The familiar ache rises.
Glinting light,
I stand on the edge.
Silent struggle,
I resist again.
Current Music: Sanatarium- Metallica

May 11th, 2007

07:17 pm - Another shocking revelation!
So I am not sure this will come as a SHOCK to anyone, but I really do NOT wanna be a RT any more. Of course, where else am I going to get a job that pay 25$ an hour? Hell if it was 19 to 20 I would be grateful. What the hell am I going to do? The average rate seems to be about 9.50 or so. YIKES. That is NOT good. Chelli ( who is being a dork tonite.)sez to try and be with a better class of folk. HOW!?! Where? DAMN. I just want a mellow 9 to 5 job. What the hell can I do? 10.00$?

Yup, feeling trapped and helpless here! *rapture*
Current Mood:

pessimistic

12:20 pm - isolation, frustration, and other surgical side-effects
Had surgery on my right hand on Tuesday. The pain meds that they left in was wonderful. I thought that it was a LOT easier than I thought it would be. An dso then part of me wondered if had really NEEDED the surgery. HUH.

Well, yeah, the pain meds wore off. OW, ow, ow, ow, ow! So, ok, hand is a LITTLE pissy now. *sigh* And I am unsure what I will be able to do for light duty, but my director sez I might be able to do billing. Here is hoping. *sigh*

Still worried about my job, and the money is still an issue. And the whole pain thing is a bit of an impediment. So I feel stuck at home. DAmn. Maybe next week after the Dr. visit. Don't get me wrong, I love the time off, but feeling house bound is not exactly relaxing. And I live waaaay the fuck out here so no visits, cuz gas costs about 900.00$ a gallon.

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Had surgery on my right hand on Tuesday. The pain meds that they left in was wonderful. I thought that it was a LOT easier than I thought it would be. An dso then part of me wondered if had really NEEDED the surgery. HUH.

Well, yeah, the pain meds wore off. OW, ow, ow, ow, ow! So, ok, hand is a LITTLE pissy now. *sigh* And I am unsure what I will be able to do for light duty, but my director sez I might be able to do billing. Here is hoping. *sigh*

Still worried about my job, and the money is still an issue. And the whole pain thing is a bit of an impediment. So I feel stuck at home. DAmn. Maybe next week after the Dr. visit. Don't get me wrong, I love the time off, but feeling house bound is not exactly relaxing. And I live waaaay the fuck out here so no visits, cuz gas costs about 900.00$ a gallon. <gonna whine some more, better go get more cheese and crackers.>
*sigh*
Ok, so I am done now. *sigh* I wish I could go do SOMETHING. DAMN it. Maybe a movie, or the "As you wish" journey.

Current Mood:

annoyed
Current Music: Peace sells, who's buying-Megadeth

April 24th, 2007

05:47 pm - Lurking Shadows
It is SO interesting how your inner Demons are always just a BIT closer than you really wanna admit. The last couple of weeks, cutting has been closer on my mind than I have been realizing. (Like that makes any sense!)Don't get me wrong. I am mostly happy. But it is surreal how a phrase in a song or an event will resonate and I will think of cutting. Last week was really bad. I mean if it is a challenge to put away the fucking kitchen knives, then perhaps the problem is closer than one gives it credit for being. . I am not even really sure what the underlying issues are. *Sigh* I am also moving into our new house and have run across an old book on SIB and ###BANG##### Suddenly I wanna cut. And yet? No real problems. Just , general stress. If I can't cope with that? What the fuck use am I????

Maybe I just need more chocolate. Damn it.
IS SIB like a disease that once you have it it is a chronic kinda thang!?!?!?!?!?

Damn again.

Extra hint: Do not try and writing this shit and watch the TV Show 'Bones'.

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March 23rd, 2007

07:26 pm - Stupidity of being a Domme
So, we are FINALLY moving in to the new house. The grrl is on a "organization" tear. Moving stuff over as she sees fit. Which is actually fine with me. We have 30 days to move out and in. I have been sick of the week and Jacki is doing a helluva lot of hours and her band-with is SOOO limited. So Chelli is very very snippy. She has said she is stressed about the fact that she is scared that she will have do most of the work. I have been helping with the kitchen stuff and she was very very appropriate. And then Snippy. SO. Do I beat her? Do I yell at her and tell her to 'knock it off'? I worry about the fall out and approprate.
(And spelling)

I know no-one can tell you how to "rule your sub". But damn I feel like I am flying blind. She is stressed. We all act out around that, and how much do you allow? I hafta admit if she is like this on Monday we ARE going to have a talk, cuz I am uncomfortable asking her much of anything or telling her much of anything.

DAMN am I a big bad "Duchess of Dastardly Deeds" or what? I am such a TOP it hurts.

riiiight.

March 12th, 2007

07:47 pm - My inner child is screaming
You remember how when you were a kid and you played hide and seek and if you kept getting tagged you shouted "NO fair!!!"? And if your sibling's piece of cake was a SMIDGEN larger than yours? "No FAIR!!" As we grow older, we learn the NEW and hip phrase "Life is not fair". Uhm. Hmm. Ok. So we KNOW that life is not fair, but when something GLARINGLY unfair shows up? Well, I don't know about you, but MY inner child screams "NO FAIR!!!"

At my Job, the Sr. Director of Respiratory came from another facility called "Select". Hmph. And then my Director of my department came from the same place. Actually WORKED with the Sr. Director. Ok. And he hires another guy from Select who is bragging about how he is going to get the job of the woman who hired me. She DID get fired, but HE did not get the position. BUT another woman, who started with Pam (my previous supervisor) and who also worked at Select was feeling like the guy gunning for Pam's job was an ass and confronted Julio about how unfair this was. That the nepotsim was NOT cool with her.

**Laughing** Ok so another of the staff applied for the the position of supervisor (USED to be Pam's) BUT the gave it to the woman who was bitching about how awful Julio was being. Oh, and did I mention that SHE used to work with the SR, Director at Select. MY friend who applied was EMINENTLY more qualified. SO. All of the this is interesting enough, BUT! NOW All of us that did NOT work at Select have MANDATORY overtime. Now our new supervisor does not. Neither does Julio's friend. But Tim and I, who have NOT worked at Select. WE do. Hell, Denise (the new supervisor) does not work weekends at all and did not when she was just a lowly peon like us, but now Tim has all weekend and I do every other. And so this week. I work, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and then Monday Tuesday and Wednesday.

MAN, is my inner brat screaming!!!!!

No fair no fair no fair no fair no fair!!!!!!
Current Mood:

pessimistic
Current Music: "Peace Sells..But who's buying?" by Megadeth

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February 28th, 2007

09:03 pm - Warning: Steroids are BAD!
Went to the Dr. about my hand again. (Chelli points out that I let it get BAAAD first and did not return to the previous Dr.) So this one gave me a "steroid burst" 'cuz I would not let him inject my tendon with steroids . Well, hell the last guy did and it HURT to the point of making me puke. And I gt MAAAYbe 3 months. So uhm, no.

So instead we do the steroid taper. *sigh* So I spent to day mostly giddy, and "pingy" . Okay, pingy-er than normal. And NOW?? Can't stop crying. Why you sdk? cuz Chelli was upset outside and it felt like she was unjustly pissy with me. Oh, and she has said that Wombat has been pissing on things and most likely will hafta be an outdoor kitty. She is soo shy, (the wombat) because my other 2 cats beat her up, she only comes out at night. She WANTS to play and be friendly. Taylor sez once we get in the bigger house it will get better. GAWDS but I hope so. IO did not rescue this kitten to betray her like this. But my other 2 kitties cannot be locked UP at night so they do not try and kill the kitten. So I am out here sobbing cua I feel slighted by Chelli and I am afraid that I am gonna be "made" to put Wombat outside. Okay, if she can't stand up top my indoor kitties what is going to happen to her outside!?!?!?!?!

I know what youare thinking. "I thought that YOU were the Top, Leah, How can Chelli, whom you own (or whatever) make you do ANYTHING?!?!" WEll, we all know how our "sweethearts" can "make us" do things. For Chelli it is a deal breaker for Wombat to piss and poop in inappropreate places but she has LEARNED that with the trauma of being taken by the neighborhood boys and then kinda "forced " to live under Chelli's bed and then being attacked when she comes out here.

The point, is that the cat issue is bothering me, and the steroids are REALLY messing with me. I am not sure that just getting the surgery wouldn't be easier. At least it would only be pain. Not emotional insanity.Just pain meds and sweet sweet oblivion. THAT would be a vacation. Only with out photos.

GAWDS I hate this shit. I know I am pre-menstral, scared about the house, working waay more hours than normal and have a LARGE dose of steroids in me, but damn, if this is insanity, I want what is behind curtain B.

Fucking Drugs.

Damn it.
Current Mood:

melancholy

February 12th, 2007

05:18 pm - I have WORDS to say.
It is odd I am feeling very verbal today. Considering how often I write here it is kinda funny. Especially now. I noticed that on Saturday I was having difficulty opening Pop cans. (ironically I think my family woud say that it is actually a GOOD thing.!)My hand feels very congested. And of course since this is true, I am certain I have a ton of things to say. : )

For instance, I am nervous about the appointment I have with a hand surgeon in 2 weeks. On the one hand (HA!! I am SOOO puny!!) I am woried they will say 'Oh, just a smple injection of steriods".. It hurt so FREAKING badly last time I do not know if I can do that again. In fact I won't do it.

So then what? Like surgery is LESS painful? ANd what about my job? And work at home, horses and such.

On the other hand,I WANT the surgery. Not sure why, maybe sympathy? A way to get outta chores? I dunno. My hand does hurt, I wonder if I secretly want my hand to be "disabled" But then what the flying HELL would I do. Listen to books on CD, maybe.. Gonna stop now, cuz my whole fucking right hand is swollen.

(Big freaking baby.)
Current Mood:

cynical

02:23 pm - Valentine's Day is STINKY
I want to get jewelery for both my "wimmins"

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I want to get jewelery for both my "wimmins"<Jacki's word!>. But as I am looking through pictures I notice that I want the jewelry. Too funny. It seems so.... shallow, "Oh I want shiney shiney jewlery for V day!" Yeah I am a shallow silly 'housewife kinda gal'. But I DO want those pretty rings and bracelets. (DAmnit) Seems silly, it is like wanting the really extravagent and formal dresses, but what the hell would I wear them to? Dinner at McDonalds? HA.

Seems so silly. But I DO want that damn ring AND the bracelet. And am tooo embarrassed to ask or tell. So, what was that secret thing again? If I send positive vibes out in the univers I will have all the things that I want? Hmm. So, what, jewelry by vibratonal theft? (laughing)

Stupid ring and bracelet.

Current Mood:

ditzy
Current Music: Material girl, by Madonna

February 11th, 2007

10:23 pm - THE secret
So I was visiting a friend and she just HAD to watch Oprah. (SEE what getting pregnante will git ya?!?)and she was raving about "The Secret". It is the 'magical' way to improve yer life and make it all you want it to be. And part of it was the mental aspect. If you say things like "If I an just hang in until friday" then you JUST hang in until Friday. Hmm. So, the 'power of positive thinking'? Uhm.. Ok. So if you THINK that that jack-ass that just kicked you in the shins didn't hurt you, then it didn't hurt and you will not feel pain. Uhm.... RIIIGHT. BUT! I do agree that if you focus MORE on the positive, that it helps a lot. But they also pointed out that you hafta do the "Work" to achieve it.. It is funny about how you try and verbalize more positive aspects and focus on it and "ACTUALIZE" it then it happens! (HA!) So find a plan to actualize yer goals and try and focus on the positive because negative thoughts drag ya down. HA!

So I liked the idea. I tried NOT focus on a patient's family tearing into me and focus on the way the other staff were supporting me..

Guess it takes practice.
Damnit (But I am saying it with a positive smile!!)
Current Mood:

amused